September 16th, 17th and 18th

Mood - Feeling much better.

(Note to self:
Snape + Me = B-a-a-ad...)


Oh boy. I'm feeling much better now. I don't understand though why there are no spells for curing such things. Surely there must be! If there isn't, there should be and if there is why were we not informed/cured by now!?

I'm still a little sniffly and my voice is back. The past couple of days were spent in bed eating lots of comfort food, so not much to report. (When I say 'In bed', I mean either of ours. We alternate so as not to appear too suspicious... Even IF we both have the so-called 'Kissing disease' and all one really has to do is put two and two together... But, thankfully for us it would seem both the students and the faculty are both slow when it comes to that.)

I drew that pic of me in my summer ball gown like I said I would!

Its not very good, but I tried to get all the details in there.

Was owled a letter from my mother this morning. Apparently my uncle tried to take his own life. My family (Mostly muggles it would seem.) are taking the whole thing so wrong. People just don't know how to treat others do they? Apparently one of my great-uncles visited him in hospital along with my other great-uncle and my 2 great-aunts and the first thing he said was "Why did you do it?" Oh, please... That is the dumbest thing to say to someone like that... Its no wonder he went through the roof. My mother was upset, naturally. I kinda wish I could be there with her. Gilderoy has been a star though. He has helped cheer me up no end. He even decided to give me a nice back rub last night while I was writing my letter back.

Sent the letter this morning when I woke up. We both took a walk to the owlery, which was very nice. The weather wasn't too great, but we didn't care. (It thundered yesterday in fact!)

The headmaster thought we were well enough to return to classes and what not. You know its funny... I always thought it took longer to get over than what it has... Maybe its all down to diet. We eat very well here.

DADA went rather well. The class was ecstatic to see Gilderoy again, as Snape had been taking over while he was recovering. They had even put up this cute little banner saying 'Welcome back' that they had all signed. I think it pleased him a lot.

When I had to assist we got some remarks. It might have been due to how Gilderoy was staring at me through out and how he was unknowingly making physical contact a heck of a lot. (I say unknowingly... I don't know if it was the case or not. Regardless, it caused a stir.)

After class a few of his fans stayed behind to suck up to him a bit telling him how they had missed him and the place wasn't the same with out him and blah blah blah. Its cute, don't get me wrong, but it was also highly corny at the same time. But, I guess it makes him happy, so... You know... Whatever floats your boat.

After much pic signing we went for lunch. All the time spent together and the past few days events had pushed out what happened with Snape from my mind. It wasn't until we walked into the great hall and I saw him at the head table, eyes fixed on me, that I remembered just how troubled I was by it all. I don't know what it was, but I shivered as soon as we made eye contact. What happens if, you know, what I think happened, happened? I'm just so scared that I might be right... I don't want to be in some ways, but I can't ignore this odd feeling in the pitt of my stomach, a feeling I have held for him for quite some time now. I don't think it is love, I have that reserved for Gilderoy, it seems similar though. He is such a mystery, maybe that is what is drawing me to him, that is stirring up these strange feelings? I couldn't possibly love him... Not Snape... Severus... Snape.

Well, the dinner was pretty strange. I sat in silence for most of it pondering how I should go about the whole thing. Should I tell one of the staff? Minerva maybe? She understands such things... But, if I do it can't be undone. Such things cause such friction and many problems... If I go ahead with this, it may end up causing such grief... And what if I should be wrong? It doesn't bear thinking about. I would feel so ashamed and there would always be a stigma attached to Snape that he may never be able to shake off, regardless of his innocence. Gilderoy too. I may lose him. What if he thinks I did something willingly? What if he... doesn't trust ME after that? I know his relationship with Snape has always been one of those 'rocky roads' as it is, it would be worse afterwards. But, on the other hand... If I am right, then surely such a man must be brought to justice. Such a man must be removed from the institution. Me, yeah sure... But, who would be next? Poppy Pomfrey? Minerva? Or worse, maybe a student! All those cons... Not enough pro's. I must really think long and hard about my decision. It must not be made too hastily, yet it must not come too late either.

I shall stop deliberating about it for now...

Started advising. Megan Kellett saw me again. It seems she started to make a few friends. A couple may not be the best choices, but still...

At tea time I was visited by Minerva and Gilderoy at the same time. It would seem they were both here for the same reason... Apparently they were both worried about how quiet I was at dinner today and they had been discussing it as they were walking up the corridors to my room. (Nice eh?) It was because of the whole Snape issue, but I was hardly going to tell them was I? Well, not at that moment in time anyway, so I simply made my great-uncle the excuse.

I think Minerva may be cottoning on to me and Gilderoy now... He walked behind me (As I was sat in my chair.) and placed his hands on my shoulders giving them a little rub. She gave us a little smile and we both kind of looked at the floor with a nervous smirk. I think we knew the game was up... She knew now. (Don't know about the others.)

She then said "You look so good together. You really do."

We both looked at each other quite stunned. We never expected such comments from her.

She then added "But, you must try your best to keep this as secretive as possible. It would seem quite a few of the students are already passing rumors and it is distracting them from their studies. It cannot do that, no matter how wonderful it is."

She has a point. After all, you don't join Hogwarts to pass notes about two of the professors, or gather in the bathrooms to gossip all the time do you?

We nodded in agreement. We understood why she said it, but at the same time we were happy that she, in a way, had given us her blessing. It was such an odd feeling. She told us that she would not speak of it to anyone other than Dumbledore for our benefit, smiled and walked out the door.

We sat/stood there for a few seconds in a stunned silence. Had that really just happened? After a while we both looked at each other and just laughed. I think he was quite pleased that someone was actually accepting us... After all, once the fangirls found out there could be war.

Both high on our own sense of happiness, we strode our way into the hall with big beaming smiles on our faces. Not even Snape could ruin it this time! I sat down, flicked some hair proudly from my eyes and tucked in to tea with out a care in the world. That is... Until tea had finished and I was in my room alone and I got a visit from... Yes... Snape.

He knocked on the door and after I said come in, he shut it behind him and almost glided towards me. I was sat on my bed writing this entry at the time and I had to quickly hide it under my pillow. I didn't know what to say or do. I was slightly scared and my heart was pounding. But, he just stood there looking down at me with a blank expression on his face. Well, I was quite creeped out by it and so I gathered the covers up and held them close to me. (Well, when one is in ones night dress one tends to feel somewhat naked.) He didn't speak, he just slid onto the bed next to me, still staring at me. Then, after a while of silence (And not to mention me freaking out inwardly) he finally spoke. "Are you feeling better?"

.........

What!?

.........

I just looked at him with a puzzled expression. So he then said "I thought you were somewhat distant at tea tonight, not to mention you have been avoiding me as of late." (Distant? DISTANT!? Oh yeah, he's a FINE one to talk... He's like 'Lord of the Distant'!) I tried to speak, but I couldn't. I was quite intimidated by him sat on my bed, looming over me. His eyebrows raised a little as I croaked some garbled words and then his hand reached out for my face. Such a pale hand... Coarse from working with many potions and being burned by many cauldron flames. Well, I flinched and pulled the covers closer. He noticed and so said "Are you scared of me? Is that it? Do you honestly think... I... 'did' something very inappropriate that night you were drunk?" I nodded slowly... Quite scared of how he would react. I mean, I know how I would react to such an accusation... He lowered his gaze, but still wore that vacant expression until he frowned and reached out his hand once more sliding it through my hair and around the back of my head and neck, while his other curled around my shoulder which was poking out from under the sheets. He drew me closer and I tried to pull back, but he had a tight grip... He, well... one can only describe it as a hug. He drew me into his chest and his arms wrapped around me tightly. I was quite alarmed at that point, but at the same time I thought that if he was going to do anything of 'that' nature, he would have done it long before now. No... Nothing sinister happened, instead he just stroked my hair like he did that night and whispered "Silly girl" in my ear. I lifted my head up to look at his face. Due to being scared I had started crying and so my eyes were very red and itchy and I had a hard time focusing on his face and had to blink a lot. What was going on? What on earth was happening? I just sniffed and he smiled at me. A strange sort of smile... As if it held some sort of distant meaning.

My head was just a mess at that moment. What on earth would Gilderoy say if he walked in? What would he do seems a more fitting question...

I told Snape that I couldn't, but was interrupted by him saying "How could I ever do that to you?"

It was strange, because it seemed he didn't really WANT to take it any further... He never even made any attempt to show any other sort of affection whatsoever. He just held me tightly. It was almost as if he was just enjoying a rare moment of security.

He finally let me go and stood up. He walked towards the door, turned, smiled and walked out leaving me to my thoughts.

So here I am, hand trembling (Which would explain the spelling mistakes and whatnot by the way.), wondering what on earth just happened. It would seem that all is not as it seems and that nothing really did happen. In a way I am relieved, yet at the same time some what troubled still. I cannot allow him to do such things. Gilderoy means everything to me and to lose him would just make my life not worth living. He has become such a big and important part of my existence now that I can't imagine ever being without him. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing when I go to sleep. Which is why I cannot let Snape come between us, what ever it is he is up to.

I'm tired now... Such events exhaust me beyond belief... I just want tonight to pass quickly so that I can see Gilderoy again I just need someone to talk to... I want him to hold me so that I know things are all ok. I might sneak to his room later if I have to.

Goodnight.